Some people are quite comfortable acting as though they are a new type of human being, and as though the usual --ostensibly clichetic-- behavioral conventions do not apply to them. "This is me," they seem to say, "take me as I am, or fuck the hell off."
Well, that's fine, but if I were to have to be in public with a woman, I would not care to act that way. Not, I have to make clear, that I can't carry it off. But it would be inconsiderate, and I would have to act a lot more harshly with my partner just to override my natural desire to express a certain amount of emotion, and affection (discreetly), and even protectiveness, and that indefinable "couple-ness" that is almost the entire point of going out together. (It isn't the entire point, but is a substantial part of the pleasure of doing it. After a while, you simply have to stop acting like newlyweds, but it seems awful to have to give it up altogether.)
At this point in the development of our Western Society, or even our global society, the behavior of couples consisting of two women --let's call them women couples-- is still partly borrowed from the behavior of mixed couples. But, we have to realize, the possible models range from extremely old-time chivalrous behavior on the part of the man, and ultra-feminine behavior on the part of the woman (which could be moderated to merely being 'ladylike'), to very 'modern' behavior, where the couple behaves almost as if both of them were ignoring the gender of both of them. Both extremes are uncomfortable, the former more than the latter.
I have always felt an outsider to the butch/femme model of lesbian behavior. I don't want to trivialize it, though you must forgive me for regarding it as being driven by the needs of women who style themselves as butch. I must find out more, but it seems to me a combination of not being attracted to men, or actually being repulsed by them, being attracted to women, and wanting to be attractive to them without taking on a feminine persona, and general frustration. Going solely on the basis of the haircut (which is probably asking for trouble), I'm only aware of four women out there who might qualify as butch : Rachel Maddows, Ellen De Generes, Pink, and Miley Cyrus. All of them seem feminine to me, and very attractive indeed, and, generally speaking, all of them seem considerate and essentially decorous in their behavior (not decorous to a fault, which practically nobody in the public eye is), and perhaps Miley Cyrus is the least "well-behaved", and she seems to be the one least likely to actually be a lesbian, though she might take up the lesbian lifestyle just to generate publicity!
I recently read a piece about Butch Chivalry, and it got me thinking. Wait: let me go read it again ... Ok. We need new words for these things, because the word chivalry (and perhaps the reason that it is so convenient and useful) is used with several meanings:
* The extra-protective way people (traditionally men, and now, certain women) perform certain routine services for women, such as drawing chairs, opening doors, lending them cloaks or coats when the weather turns unexpectedly cold.
* The obligation for men to treat women differently than they treat each other.
* The cheerful politeness and considerate behavior that anyone has towards anyone else, especially those who are weaker --or in a weaker position-- than yourself, kindness beyond the call of duty.
The article I was reading was all about gender-specific chivalry versus a more personal code of behavior, especially towards someone to whom the writer was attracted. I don't think that chivalry-with-a-purpose really falls under the same heading as chivalry towards all who are weaker than yourself. Being chivalrous to an object of your affection is still called Chivalry, but in a different category.
So we're talking about a couple of different things. Firstly, there is the general decent, considerate and kind behavior --holding doors open, allowing someone else to speak first, etc-- which was associated with "gentlemanly behavior" in the past. Today, I think it should be the norm, unless someone is feeling definitely ungentlemanly and cranky. Even women are expected to be gentlemen today, and we had better get over the use of the word.
Then there is the special way you treat your companion, the way you hold her eyes, the way you lean your head towards her, that certain indefinable something that brands you as a couple: the things you do in addition to "gentlemanly behavior", each to the other; I think I would prefer that behavior to be quite symmetric between the two people. Any role-playing that goes beyond that, any artificial asymmetry that might be adopted to move the body-language of a lesbian couple closer to that of a mixed couple, seems unnecessary and artificial, and, well, silly.
Kay
